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First the Hells Angels blazed down Bay Area highways on their hogs. In the '80s and '90s, hipsters revived vintage scooters until the yuppies bought in. Then the cool but unkempt crowd turned to track bikes.

Now there's a new cool king on the city's two-wheeled transport scene: the moped.

Yes, the moped. Why? It definitely can't be because it's tough — any motorized bike with pedals ain't tough, sorry. It can't be because it's fast — even mopeds kitted out with more powerful motors can't legally go on the highway. And there's the fact that they need constant maintenance. So what's the attraction? Well, they're cheap, and they get up to 100 miles to the gallon.

The retro-bikes have become so trendy that there are even moped gangs — although they're more adorable than menacing. Compare the Hells Angels logo with that of the Creatures of the Loin, a two-year-old moped gang that got its start in the Tenderloin. The Angels' logo features a sinister skull with wings; the Creatures' logo bears a hairy mascot that is half orangutan, half sloth, and all ironic.

But apparently even ironic hipsters can get angry and territorial. A few weeks back, we heard about a rift among the Creatures that had produced a splinter faction — a rival moped gang. Juicy shit.

On a recent Monday night, we showed up to get the dirt at the Edinburgh Castle Pub on Geary Street as the Creatures gathered before their weekly ride. A cursory glance at the mostly-twentysomething characters by the parked mopeds out front indicated that the Creatures are big on blunt bangs, handlebar mustaches, messenger bags, and fanny packs — with a few dweeby engineering types sprinkled in.

We were looking for Graham French, one of the group's founders. One guy wearing a T-shirt that read simply "Moped" deals us some advice on approaching French: "He doesn't like talking about stuff. Just don't tell him you're a reporter."

The Creatures apparently fear press. Their Web site mentions a "media blackout," and we've heard through the grapevine that a long thread on the Creatures Web forum warns against talking to the SF Weekly (the elusive French had already told us on the phone he didn't want the Creatures in the paper, but we thought we might be able to convince him face-to-face). A sweet-faced blond guy named Graham McBain was wary of speaking to us, saying any media exposure will make the cops pay attention to them. During the previous week's ride, McBain said, several riders were pulled over on the Bay Bridge on the ride to Treasure Island (remember, mopeds can't go on the highway). The rest of the riders and their bikes had to be shuttled back to the city by the vehicle they usually use for getting to rallies. This didn't help the group's hip factor, but it was actually kind of cute.

Members also advised us not to mention the split to French. According to the Moped Army Web site (a national group of aficionados), a faction left the Creatures last year "after a nasty and divisive split between the two branch founders [for] personal reasons" (we've heard rumors it was over a girl) as well as the two groups' "differences of opinion about the identity and purpose of the moped gang."

The other Creatures founder, Benjamin Broad, went on to form a group called the Treats, now 15 members strong: "Every Monday they eat all day and ride and never gain a pound," the group's description reads on the Moped Army site. "Most of the Treats have no job or little to do but moped."

We were hoping to get the scoop from Broad, but his e-mail was evasive. Then McBain called us the day after the ride with more bad news. The Creatures were mad at him for speaking to us, he said apologetically: "We're not super happy about it, and we wouldn't be happy if it came out." Every time a story is published more mopeds get stolen, he says: "We kind of like to ... have our fun, and the more attention we get — I don't know. I don't know." He adds something about disgruntlement over his appearance in an insert in Vice magazine on a moped known as the Romeo Thunderhawk without the Creatures' permission. Huh?

We're still confused two days later when we get another call. "This is Graham," an angry voice snarled. Graham who? He doesn't answer. We surmised that this was definitely not the polite don't-shoot-the-messenger McBain. This was the other Graham. "We don't want anything to do with the article. And I can hear you typing, too," he says with venom. We switched to a notepad to placate him and asked, simply, why?

"It doesn't matter why," he snipes. "We don't want the Creature name in the paper. We don't want to have anything to do with it."

But the media blackout has failed again — in the end, it's hard to be intimidated by guys with a monkey sloth for a mascot.

Who's a cwanky wittle monkey swoth? Who? That's wight, you are. Oh yes you are.

Write Your Comment show comments (39)

  1. You are a total hack. Fuck you and your paper.

    Comment by John Doe — November 7, 2007 @ 02:54PM

  2. You're scum. SF Weekly is scum. Not only is this REALLY OLD news (as in your a year too late!), but your throwing peoples names into a paper where anyone can read it when they clearly said they didn't want to be featured in your stupid little article.

    Lame.

    Comment by Chris P. Bacon — November 7, 2007 @ 02:58PM

  3. This article is spiteful and full of vengeance written by a spiteful angry wannabe journalist, who had to get some article out the door on a topic that she had no research and no new, interesting or positive information on. Your newspaper should fire you for this lack of professionalism! News should reflect truthful events, not hateful blabber and 5th party opinions. I hope your shitty magazine doesn't get printed and stays online. This would be an ultimate loss of paper.

    Comment by Jane Doe — November 7, 2007 @ 03:29PM

  4. This is bullshit. You have no sense of journalistic integrity. Let me guess, you are required by your editor to frequently blog short "city scene" articles.
    Your paper is a rag.

    Comment by Joel — November 7, 2007 @ 03:32PM

  5. Lauren Smiley, i can't belive you actually had nothing better to write about. Seems to me like ur a god aweful reporter if thats all u could even get, yet another fluff piece on lawnmower powerd bicycles.

    You obviously have no idea what ur writing about, and this artical is just a sorry excuse for a passive agressive "fuck you" with little to no real substance about anything moped or moped gang related.

    lame

    Comment by elliot o — November 7, 2007 @ 03:33PM

  6. Wow! I don't know which is more enlightening -- the article or the virulent feedback. Props to the reporter for exposing the false sense of importance these silly "gangs" place on themselves. Jesus. That said, though, I'm starting a skateboard gang called The ZipZingers. Anybody with a shralpie can join. Don't worry though, you don't have to know how to ollie.

    Comment by Peter Madsen — November 7, 2007 @ 07:46PM

  7. It sounds like the only thing these "Angry Moped Gangs" are angry about is you diggin into their personal space. How can you write an article where the entire focus is about how they don't want an article written about them? Isn't that just bad reporting to designed to cause controversy and drive up readership?

    Comment by Rusty — November 9, 2007 @ 03:50PM

  8. Fyea homopeds go back to France

    Comment by Snorkle — November 9, 2007 @ 05:12PM

  9. I agree with all the comments here. Mopeds are a nuisance to the city's drivers, bicyclists, and pedestrians. The kids (i use that term because of their childish behaviors, not their age) who ride them generally act like skate punks without boards or skills.

    Lauren, this was great article, but you forgot to mention that these 2-stroke lawnmower engines pump out more noise and green house gases than Hummers. They should ban these scooters!

    Comment by Dougan Nash — November 9, 2007 @ 05:34PM

  10. I'm a daily moped rider. I have no car, and it is my only transportation. I'm not some skate punk, or some angry teenager. I just love riding it. And no, it does not pollute more than a Hummer, idiot. I have no idea how a moped can be a nuisance while every other motorized vehicle is A-OK.

    I've never seen more pathetic journalism. My college newspaper was better than this.

    Comment by Mike — November 10, 2007 @ 05:49AM

  11. Thank you for ruining 5 perfectly good minutes of my life.

    Where did you buy your journalism degree? Wal-mart?

    This is the worst article I've read in years. There's nothing journalistic about this. There's no research, no facts. Just personal opinions and a lot of anger. And not to mention the lack of build-up.

    I think you should take a vacation. About 80 years of vacation would probably do us all good...

    Comment by Roald — November 10, 2007 @ 07:33AM

  12. I just don't understand the value in a poorly written article about a moped club, where most of the paragraphs are about how they don't want to be written about. And there is almost no other content.

    Why would you write this article? You go to their meetings, which you knew they wouldn't like, and then you interview them, which you knew they wouldn't like, and then you write an article about them, which you knew they wouldn't like, and then you make fun of them in the paper (well sort of. Replacing 'r's with 'w's barely counts).

    You are a tribute to journalism.

    --Scott

    PS mopeds, getting 100mpg, come nowhere close to matching the greenhouse gasses of even a geo metro, much less a 10mpg hummer.

    Also, mopeds have engines, you should tell your graphic designer about that.

    Comment by Scott Xxxxxx — November 10, 2007 @ 08:04AM

  13. That is one weak bit of writing. Sometimes when you don't have enough facts for a story there is no story.

    Comment by Teddybear — November 10, 2007 @ 08:32AM

  14. Congratulations on making your 'newspaper' even more irrelvant. This kind of nasty, ridiculous snark belongs on someone's outsider blog, where it still won't matter one bit, but at least the public won't have to be subjected to it.

    Comment by A — November 10, 2007 @ 05:52PM

  15. some of you on this forum seem to be confused regarding emissions/pollution versus fuel economy. a moped does get more miles per gallon, but for each of those miles it will chug out much more pollution. the numbers are somewhere near 10 times per vehicle.

    if you knew anything about engines, you would know that a two-stroke engine release partially-burned gas and oil through their exhaust. that is why the exhaust has a white or coloured smoke with a nasty smell, ie smog.

    Comment by dirk — November 10, 2007 @ 07:44PM

  16. i thought the whole point of journalism is to report the facts instead of obvious personal biases. the negative and belittling remarks belong in your diary little girl.

    oh, and by the way, did you get beat up a lot in school?

    Comment by j — November 10, 2007 @ 08:01PM

  17. The Creatures of the Loin are a bunch of poseurs. The media blackout on their website is a joke and when they realize how pathetic a group of moped riders is maybe they will get some help.

    Comment by Nate — November 11, 2007 @ 11:04AM

  18. Hopeds- stay the fuck out of the bicycle lanes.

    Comment by joe — November 13, 2007 @ 10:54AM

  19. Ha! San Francisco has devolved to a bunch of vapid souls seeking meaning by riding a third world means of transport. I make noise, therefore, I must exist.
    Read a book or clean up the beach. Same advice applies to the "author" of the article.

    Comment by dude — November 13, 2007 @ 12:33PM

  20. This is the biggest piece of garbage I have ever read.The creatures are the most amazing group of people, my favorite gang, not to mention they let me stay with them/ showed me the best time when I was in SF. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your writing like one of them wouldn't fuck you or something, which is probably true because I bet you are as unfortunate as your writing is. HA people hate you.

    Comment by jane doe — November 13, 2007 @ 06:48PM

  21. I don't like mopeds. But I don't like this article either. What is this about? How you tried to write an interesting article about moped gangs and failed?

    Comment by steve — November 15, 2007 @ 10:38AM

  22. Hey Jane,

    The best part about being a lady writer is seeing your work reduced to "you need to get laid" (or when you write something complimentary, "you must be sleeping with them"). Have you ever suggested that to a male writer? You're welcome to dislike Lauren's article, but grow up and think a little harder, k?

    Comment by Frances — November 15, 2007 @ 12:17PM

  23. Anyone who has attacked this article obviously READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE, and they probably read it in the actually paper first so they spent days pissing themselves before they found this rage outline online. I personally will not spend the time to read something if it begins to strike me as aimless, ranting, or just plain boring... I looked back over your article wondering why I had read the whole thing, and saw that each paragraph is interesting enough to follow along with and together they add up to an interesting story overall.
    Lauren, you may not be the greatest writer in the world, but I want to compliment you on the article. For several reasons: 1. it does have some good facts and some good history 2. it presents some opinions based on facts 3. MOST IMPORTANTLY... it tells a story. You could make a movie about the trouble journalists run into when trying to find a story, and plenty movies have been made about that very thing.
    Everyone else, stop being to indignant and/or self-important. This article isn't about the Bloods and Crips or even the Hell's Angels. Nobody really cares what stigma the moped riders hung themselves with.

    Comment by Pete — November 15, 2007 @ 01:47PM

  24. I have to raise some questions to Snorkle and your use of the word "homoped." Does riding a moped really make you gay? I was thinking about buying one, but now you're giving second thoughts. I know riding one makes me look a little gay, but does that mean I will really turn over? I am confused. Also, why do you mention France, is that where mopeds or gays were invented?

    Comment by sandy — November 15, 2007 @ 03:39PM

  25. #1: The SF Weekly is a locally owned/run paper that often prints stories that the corporate rags don't or won't.
    #2: This is a FREE paper. If you don't like it, don't pick it up or surf to it (no brainer)
    #3: The words 'Moped' & 'gangs' should NEVER, I repeat, N-E-V-E-R be used together (unless it's a joke)
    #4: Men/boys don't look cool on a moped in the US -EVER
    #5: If you slammed this article, then maybe YOU need some psych help
    #6: Everyone NOT born in California, move away from the keyboard & don't even think about touching the mouse!

    Finally, anyone with even a mild sense of humor would find this article entertaining (as I did). Basically, what a newspaper calls a 'fluff' piece. Boy, was it ever (double entendre')!! I commend the writer for taking flak on a 'fluff' piece & writing about an assignment for which they got almost no input from the intended parties. Let me see the hacks (commentors) on here do that!

    Comment by Lucy Daughter of the Devil — November 16, 2007 @ 01:33AM

  26. so guys in the us don't look good on mopeds but all the little pussies overseas do? SF is full of retards. we love the creatures.

    Comment by GBA — November 19, 2007 @ 11:46AM

  27. Hey, Lucy Daughter of the Devil, SF Weakly is not a local paper, it's owned by a conglomerate of alt-weeklies, the same group that bought the Village Voice. Instead of real local news, you get articles like this.

    Comment by Mole — November 20, 2007 @ 04:34PM

  28. "Creatures of the Loin" is an awful long name, we usually just call them "The Crabs".

    Comment by Bob — November 20, 2007 @ 04:36PM

  29. digging into someone's painful personal event and then exploiting what you gather based on rumor from it is unnecessary, cruel, and pointless. how about we 'infiltrate' your life next time you have a fight with a friend or break up with a boy or girlfriend, and then publish it and mock you for not wanting to talk about it to the whole city? you suck lady.

    Comment by jane doe — November 28, 2007 @ 01:38PM

  30. Understanding this is supposed to be a silly, nonsense piece, I still don't understand why digging into people's personal lives, using their real names, and dissing on them b/c they didn't want to talk to you is OK, even for a freebie paper. Isn't there enough going on in this city where you don't have to pry and humiliate? I always regarded SF Weekly as much more relevant and coherent than the Guardian, but this is no better than Star magazine.

    Comment by vt — November 28, 2007 @ 04:16PM

  31. THIS whiney crap is EXACTLY why i got the hell out of your god forsaken city. this article was amazingly entertaining. seriosly,if you moped kids take your "gangs" so freakin seriously, you REALLY NEED to get jobs, lives, personality, sense of realityand/or humor, and last but not least, a little damage in your lives to make you realize how insignifigant ths all is in the grand scheme of things. now commence to talking crap about what I just wrote... hahahah. yikes and good riddance.

    Comment by karrie yes its my REAL name — November 29, 2007 @ 03:20PM

  32. I ride a scooter and hang out with scooter people mostly, and always wonder what the deal with the moped folks is.

    I found the article somewhat enlightening. There is nothing wrong in reporting on people that don't want to be reported on....if reporters didn't, we would get a very skewed view of things. True, at the end of the day, she didn't have much to report because they weren't talking, but the article absolutely gives some insight into what moped culture is about.

    "Media blackouts" just don't work. If people are interested, and you don't want to talk, well....this is what happens. Stop being crybabies about it. I supposed it doesn't exactly come as a surprise that adults who ride mopeds would be crybabies, but still....

    Comment by robbie — December 2, 2007 @ 12:04AM

  33. I thought it was a pretty good article.
    Mopeds are cool and fun to restore and ride but yes they do pollute allot. But so do
    weed whackers and lawnmowers and cool old smog exempt cars.
    I love the whole concept of the creatures but maybe if they want to keep it all
    top secret they should just not have a website and drop out of the moped army and stuff.

    I would have to agree with Karrie. If there getting this upset they need some damage in
    there lives. Way worst things can happen then having somebody write an article about
    your top secret moped club.

    Comment by larry — December 4, 2007 @ 01:03PM

  34. Possibly the best $13 bribe the Skeeks has ever paid. Good work Ms. Smiley, it's time lesser moped gangs were exposed as frauds!

    Comment by Caesar Skeek — December 5, 2007 @ 04:14PM

  35. I love this story. Nice job.

    Comment by George — December 6, 2007 @ 08:21AM

  36. this article would have been great if i were an 8th grade girl who loved drama and talking crap. but i am a 22 year old man who doesn't care about a reporters ideas about subjects they obviously know nothing about and people who they also know nothing about. to top it all off there are people commenting about how mopeders are a bunch of punk "kids" and how much they hate mopeds and how gay mopeds are. these people suck. i used to be a skateboarder and people like that have nothing better to do with heir lives then complain about everything and try to make life hard for everyone. get a life. this article is filled with complete ignorance and everyone who thinks mopeds and people who ride them are good for nothing are ignorant as well. mopeds are awesome and the creatures of the loin are very nice fun people to hang around with. everyone has something they love to do. riding mopeds is something i love to do.

    Comment by Kevin — December 11, 2007 @ 02:11PM

  37. Screw the Creatures! There a bunch of trust fund crybabies who buy up every
    affordable moped within a 200 mile radius, kit em up so they run like crap and
    put em back on cl for 750 bucks. nice, real nice. Now some kid who is really who
    should be riding a moped in the first place gets screwed.

    Comment by Jason — December 12, 2007 @ 07:02PM

  38. First off, this article is a complete degradation of moped culture. There is no reason to go on and pick at these guys who do nothing but save gas and enjoy themselves while doing it. I don't see any gas guzzler drivers really doing something exciting as the so mentioned "cwanky wittle monkey swoth" people. I don't see you little miss Lauren Smiley, riding your bike or driving whatever you drive to the tip of South America.

    I didn't see any reason for this article except to poke fun and toy with the people of this culture. Titling it the angry moped gangs of SF is completely false as they are nothing but nice people and just because someone doesn't want false and degrading articles written doesn't make them angry. What if someone wrote articles about what you like to do? Or investigates your life?

    Someone should turn the tables on you reporter folk and publish a magazine about the gossip in your lives and taking photographs, researching what you "do", etc etc. I really hope it does happen and you will feel as violated as they probably do.

    Next time you intend to write about something, maybe you should be informed about what you are writing about.

    I hope yourg boss sees this, because as this is the first time I have been exposed to your site, and am completely shocked at this article and the defaming nature of it. I will not support your site and I feel that this sort of writing belongs elsewhere, not in a place where someone like myself, who is in the beginning stages of planning a cross country moped ride, would go to read about the city I want to end up in.

    Sincerely a Proud Moped Rider,
    Peter Szijarto
    Richmond, VA

    Comment by Peter Szijarto — February 14, 2008 @ 10:19AM

  39. We da gay mahu moped gang from Hawaii an I da main chief of all da lady boys here Wasssup

    Comment by Mike Paahana — April 1, 2008 @ 08:27PM

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